Why Being "Nice" Is Burning You Out: Fawning vs. People Pleasing
Okay, mija, let's talk.
You know that moment when you're at a family get-together and somebody says something you completely disagree with? And instead of saying anything, you hear yourself go, "Totally, I see what you mean!" Or your boss asks you to take on a third "emergency" project this week, and before you've even remembered the mountain of laundry waiting at home, your mouth is already saying, "Yeah, I can do that."
Ugh, I know. But don’t worry, Ive done this too.
From the outside, you look so chill. Easygoing. Everybody's favorite. But on the inside, you're tired, kind of resentful, and if I asked you the last time you decided something based on what you wanted, you'd have to think about it for a while.
Here's what I want you to know: being a peacekeeper and being stuck in survival mode are not the same thing, even though they can look identical from the outside. I think of it as three levels of the "nice girl syndrome" (and yes, nice guys, I see you too).
1. The Peacekeeper (The Choice-Maker)
This one's actually a strength, as long as it's a choice. You know that tío who's clearly looking for a political fight over dinner? You look at him, you look at your plate, and you think, "You know what, I'd rather enjoy my tamale." Done.
You know where your boundary is. You're just deciding it's not worth the energy today. And your body knows it too. You feel calm. Your heart's not pounding, your hands aren't sweating. You're not scared, you're just being smart about it.
2. The People Pleaser (The Approval Seeker)
Okay, this is where it gets a little stickier. Most of us learned this one as kids. Maybe you got praised for being the "good" one, or you figured out early that being the "problem child" wasn't worth it. So you got really good at keeping everyone happy.
Here's the thing: you're not afraid for your safety. You're afraid of being disliked. So you say yes because you want to be the good friend, the hardworking employee, the easygoing partner. And in your body, it feels like a tug. A mix of guilt and this frantic need to make sure everybody around you is smiling.
3. The Fawn Response (The Survival Reflex)
This is the one we don't talk about enough, so I want you to really sit with it for a second.
Fawning is a trauma response. It's a cousin of fight, flight, and freeze. If you grew up around people who were unpredictable or volatile, your little brain figured out that the safest way to get through it was to keep them happy. Appease first, think later.
And it's not just being nice. It's shape-shifting. You find yourself mirroring somebody's opinions and moods without even deciding to, because your nervous system is sounding the alarm. Your heart might be racing, or you might go completely numb and blank. Either way, in that moment, you can't get to your own thoughts. They're just gone.
And listen, mija, that's not a flaw in you. That's a smart nervous system doing exactly what it learned to do to keep you safe. It just never got the memo that you're out of danger now.
What It's Costing You
I know what you're thinking. "What's the big deal? Everybody's happy!"
But you're paying for it, just quietly.
You start to lose yourself. When you spend every day being whoever everyone else needs, one morning you look in the mirror and realize you have no idea what you actually like. Not your favorite food, not how you want to spend a Saturday. Nothing.
Your whole day belongs to everyone else. You're so productive, but it's all other people's priorities. You're moving somebody else's needle, not yours.
The resentment creeps in. You can only ignore your own needs for so long before they turn into anger. If you've been cranky lately for no reason, ask yourself honestly: have I been saying yes when I meant no for the past three weeks?
Okay, So How Do I Start Coming Back to Myself?
If you got halfway through this and thought, "Oh no, I've been fawning my whole life," take a breath. There's no shame here. Your brain was protecting you, and it did a good job. Now we get to teach it that it's safe to take up space.
Here are a few places to start:
Take a five-second pause. Next time someone asks you for something, don't answer right away. Just count to five. It gives your thinking brain a chance to catch up with your reflex brain.
Check in with your body. Is your heart racing? Are you holding your breath? If so, you're probably in a stress response, and that's not the moment to commit to anything. Wait until you can breathe normally.
Start tiny. Practice saying no to things that don't matter. "No thanks, I don't really want sprinkles today." That counts! You're building a muscle, and it starts with sprinkles.
So here's the bottom line, mija: you can be a kind person and a person with boundaries. You're allowed to be both. The world doesn't need more "nice" people. It needs more real ones.
Con cariño,
Your Tía Therapist